Man, what exactly do you feel entitled to?
Men and Marriage, Part 1
by Wes Johnson, LPC, LMHC
I’m coming up on 30 years of marriage, along with 30 years of counseling men, women and couples. I’ve learned a few things professionally along the way, but those lessons pale in comparison to what I’ve learned personally. Marriage is not easy, but it can sanctify you and give you a gift that cannot be easily described or understood. Stick with me for a few minutes and I’ll explain.
Kimberly and I got married in 1994 after knowing each other for about a year. I knew immediately when I met her that I wanted her to be a part of my life forever. She was (and still is) loud, spontaneous, expressive, she cries easily, she dances like no one is watching, and she laughs explosively. She challenged me to be honest, direct and real. When I proposed, I read her the Velveteen Rabbit and emphasized the following part:
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
-Williams, Margery. 2004. The Velveteen Rabbit. London, England: Egmont Books
Brothers, men, what is making you real? Are you comfy, insulated and a king? Or does it hurt, require sacrifice, wear you out? If you are like me, there are issues in your family that need daily attention, otherwise chaos takes over. Who, if not you, is going to go hardcore and preserve your family, protect your kids, and cherish your wife more than any other man ever? If your hands are wrinkled by dish water at night, you’re on your way to being real. If you get up for the tenth time with your baby, even though it is your wife’s turn, you’re getting it right. If there is a gap in provision and you fill it by working extra hours, getting groceries after work, driving your kid to piano lessons, or spending Saturday kneeling on the kitchen floor while scrubbing, you are almost there. This is not just about service, chores, or finances. It is about the condition of your heart and if you are allowing God to shape you into the earthly representation of Jesus, stewarding those he’s provided as your family (they have your last name, man!) like they are a treasure. In my flesh, the last thing I want to do is clean the bathroom or do laundry on weekends: I friggin hate it. But, when I identify with Jesus and allow Him to revive my selfish heart, I begin to see sacrifice as the greatest form of love and in His strength, I’m willing to make any sacrifice. Sure, you’d die for your wife and kids on scary night in a dangerous city when threatened. That’s noble, honorable. But, how willing are you to do the mundane sacrifices that don’t bring you any honor? That’s where it matters most. While easy to reject, that is what most of us are called to.
What do you feel you are entitled to? What you treasure, is where your heart is, right? I want everything I desire, right now. After working all day, I really deserve to take the night off at home. As a man, ”I deserve your love and attention on demand, like a streamed movie: I press play, and you should be turned on. If I have an urge, porn requires nothing of me and offers instant release, so never mind, I really don’t need you. Listen to me, show me affection and then let the dog out. I’ve worked hard today. I earned money, and I should be able to spend it how I want. Don’t ask anything of me after 6pm, because I’m tired, babe. I should not have to drive a junker car when all the guys on my street have really cool F-150’s. Don’t complain again that you’re overwhelmed with the kids. You don’t know what I dealt with today. I’m going to grab a beer and watch whatever sport is on right now. I’ll let that laundry pile tower up like a mountain and someday, you’ll run out of clothes and you’ll finally get it together and take care of all the duties that I should not have to. When the dishes get smelly in the sink or the kids cry loud enough, then you’ll finally get up and do something for once. I just can’t give anything else to you.”
Most men would read that paragraph and recoil: “No, that’s not me.” Man, if Jesus is not your model as a husband and father, IT IS YOU. Pray that God will reveal the absolute depravity of the inclinations of your heart. Deep down, the paragraph above rings true for you, just as it does for me. We’re going to get real here: You are dead in your sins, just like me. You don’t have any hope without Him, just like me.
Philippians 2 might give you some encouragement:
“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”
Men, you are not the main character in your story. Your wife, your kids, and all of those that you serve are. Even more, your embodiment of Jesus will be eternally life changing. Serve them the way that Jesus would and you will experience blessings and riches beyond anything you can imagine. It may not be gold and wealth, but you will experience a depth of relationship and intimacy that only comes from your sacrifice. You would certainly die for them if threatened by some murderous thug on a big city street. But would you die to your own impulses, your own desires and your selfishness in the chaos of your home? Well, that requires something more than death. It requires a living sacrifice.
What are you entitled to? TBH, nothing other than death, suffering, and the wages of your terrible and ugly sins. But, this is the power of Christ: though Him you inherit wealth far greater than gold or silver. Go home today and serve until your hands are bloody, your back is broken and you are exhausted like never before. Carry laundry up the stairs until your knees ache. Cherish the moments with your babies as precious gold. Go to Hyvee a thousand times to provide a meal, pick up a prescription, and deliver toilet paper. Lavish them with unending service, grace, mercy and love. Don’t expect any accolades; do it quietly and in humility. Surprise your wife and kids with sacrifice that takes their breath away and in His strength, service that never ends. Be the man, that when he dies, his family says, “He never stopped giving to and loving us. He was the closest thing to Jesus on earth.” Well done, good and faithful servant: You’re not taking that F-150 with you.
After 30 years of marriage and raising four kids, this is what I’ve learned: In my own strength, I’m only entitled to the wages of sin: death. Through Jesus’ example of sacrifice and humility, I’m made real, like the Velveteen Rabbit. It will hurt, you’ll be exhausted, it’ll take a long time, your hair will be loved off, your joints will be loose, and you’ll be shabby.
But man, you will be loved and you will love ferociously on this earth and your reward will be immeasurable in heaven.
