Man, what will it take for you to show mercy?
Men and Marriage, Part 2
Wes Johnson, LPC, LMHC
“I have always found that mercy bears richer fruit than strict justice.” - Abraham Lincoln
A few weeks ago I started a blog series called Men and Marriage, where I’m focusing on practical ways men can have a positive impact on their marriage. Part 1 focused on the importance of service and sacrifice and how, like the skin horse in the Velveteen Rabbit, being made real requires painful and unnatural sacrifice. Today, I’m going to focus on the power men wield when they are merciful to their wife and children. Micah 7:18-19 provides us with a model for the husband aspiring to be merciful, Part 2 of this series on marriage.
If you’re struggling in your marriage, it might be worthwhile to consider how freely you are merciful to your wife. And, if not given freely, what do you require of your her before you release her from your anger?
By default, I see my wife as a train-wreck. She’s always late, and when she does finally meet me at the door, she’s disheveled, balancing a drippy Stanley cup on a notebook, while looking for her keys as she’s talking on her phone. There is a trail through our house where she leaves items, either intentionally or they simply fall off of her and she moves. She always looks like she’s holding everything, but cannot find what she needs immediately. The kitchen counter is littered with trinkets she purchased at a thrift store and at least three books she hopes to read, “when I have time.” She is genuinely surprised every morning when the alarm goes off and she is slow to get up with a handful of “snooze button” resets. When she does come down the stairs well, she’s late again, her hair’s a mess and yes, again, we search for keys, shoes, her phone charger and her purse. And oh, that purse! It’s actually a small duffel bag filled with Target receipts from 2011 and an outdated address book “for emergencies”, even though all our contacts are stored on our phones. There are at least 40 pens in her purse, along with hair ties, empty prescription bottles, Band-Aids, eye drops, allergy pills, and probably a full size Bible, but never, ever her keys. She recently bought an atlas for a road trip. Yes, a huge paper book of maps with a spiral binder that she keeps next to her seat in the car. Waze or Google Maps just isn’t enough for her. All of this is comical, but it gets real serious when I am angry after she’s failed me in some way. Your wife might not be disorganized, but I can promise you that she has a few shortcomings that stoke the fire of your anger too.
When I see signs of her inefficiency or disorganization, I often rage in silence, wishing for a harsh natural consequence, to finally MAKE her change. If only she’d get soaked by a rainstorm because her keys are locked in the car, then maybe, for once, she’d know where her coat is. That would teach her! In the darkest part of my prideful heart, what I truly mean is, “If only you were like me, the epitome of efficiency and organization, then we’d both be perfect and happy.” Right there, that is a pure, Grade A quality form of evil. Pride. Left unchecked by the grace of the gospel, that is always the inclination of my heart. The antidote to this natural state of sin is knowing the type of mercy that God freely gives to us.
“Who is a God like you, pardoning inquiry and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our inequities underfoot. You will cast out all our sins into the depths of the sea.” -Micah 1:18-19 (ESV)
If you were even a sloppy representation of God’s love to your wife (which you are, like me), how might this change your reaction to her failures, shortcomings, and messiness?
You would see her sin but you would immediately pardon her and then release her from the consequence of it (your anger), even if she does not see it herself. Your quiet mercy should not boast. You would work to extinguish those consequences on her behalf, taking them on yourself. Find her keys the night before and leave them by that purse. Fill her car with gas before she wakes up. Fold her laundry and organize her closet. That’s a great start and something tangible you can do tomorrow. Even more, you would not withhold the riches, wealth and inheritance of your love. You would not require anything from her in order to earn your mercy. Instead, your mercy would be a quick response to her sin, believing that you are just as guilty in your own sin. Son, you are the Chief of Sinners like I am. And that means you have no standing to condemn her. Instead, lavish her with mercy: Delight in it! Before she even notices her sin, excuse her silently. When she’s burdened by it, show great delight in taking it off her shoulders. Release her, help her, and serve her like we discussed in the last post. Do you believe that your merciful love is a treasure more valuable than gold that provides security and comfort for generations? It is, if you release it. Your merciful love is a treasure chest for her that is always full and one that provides a generational legacy that will claim your sons and daughters. Your sons will see it modeled and their future wives will cherish it. Your daughters will expect nothing less than a man who lavishes them with free and unlimited mercy. A radical mercy that they first saw in you, as you quietly offered it with much delight to their mother.
Rather than maintaining negative beliefs about her (“She never cleans up after herself…she always waits for me to get up for the baby first…she has time for friends and family but never for me…she couldn’t care less about the budget we agreed to…”), challenge those automatic thoughts and shut them down. Notice how if your thoughts about her start include extreme words like Always, Never, Won’t, you probably have some unmerciful core beliefs about her that are framing your perception. That’s not good. Those beliefs will only lead to resentment and a hardening of your heart. When you find yourself frustrated and reactive, slow down and examine your beliefs. Remember that your mercy and forgiveness will release her from the prison of your resentment. Sure, you may be justified in maintaining the belief because she hasn’t repented or changed. But, that is not how God shows His love for us. He DELIGHTS in mercy and does not withhold it. The miracle of marriage is that when we do this for each other, we are both freed from the relational consequences of our sins and we only grow closer as the years roll on. Guys, you have the power to kick this off today.
See your own sin as even WORSE that your wife’s sin. If she has the grace and mercy to forgive you, give her a thousand times more mercy than she deserves. If she’s not quite ready to forgive you and be merciful then humbly lead by example. She may not respond right away, but there will be a transformation of her heart underway as you demonstrate God’s love for her, as a shabby husband that does not often get it right, but one that holds no grudge and forgives in a heartbeat.
My tendency is to crush my wife’s neck under the boot of my self-righteousness. I step on her and suffocate her with my distance, my anger, and my withheld love until she cannot breathe. Finally, with a desperate whimper, she might confess, repent, and beg me to release her. In other words, my application of spiritual force against her may shove her into submission, but I’ve only made her more afraid of me. And the only way it ends is when I deem she has suffered enough, in my eyes. Me, I am the boss and in my pride I will not release her until I determine it is time. Tyrant. Bully. Oppressor. Chief of Sinners. You are just like me.
But God…God DELIGHTS to be merciful. Lord, that be true of me. Through His love for us, we can joyfully be a reflection of his deep love for her. Show it to her.
Men, delight in mercy. Lavish your wife and children in the richness of it.
