The Power of Cheese
The counselors at Johnson Counseling are primarily based in the Dairy State (Wisconsin) and we endorse this method of parenting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UCXpcEQxEI
We do not advise it for marital therapy however.
Life is for the birds.
by Kimberly Johnson, LPC, LMHC
I woke up feeling like a hot mess although I was unusually cold.
My strange dream left me feeling completely disoriented. I dreamt of my mom and one of my besties’ moms, both whom I loved and both of whom have passed on from this life, about my dying dog being catapulted into a field to die alone, a high school crush (weird), rejection from my father (not so weird), and abandonment from my closest friends.
Frankly, I AM a hot mess. I am stressed about several things in most areas of my life right now. I feel overwhelmed, inadequate, scared, helpless, worried, anxious, and sad. It’s not super fun to feel this way.
Typically, I try to pray and read my Bible before I leave for work. I didn’t have much to say to God this morning, other than, “God I am coming to you because You have asked me to, but what I really need is for You to come to me.”
It took me a while to get still in my robe and warm with my cup of coffee. Wes, who usually sits and talks to me a little before leaving for the day, literally saw the state I was in and offered to give me some “space” to get myself together.
When I feel this way, I have lots of questions: What’s the point? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Where is the joy and peace that I am “supposed” to feel? Where is God? Where are the things He has promised me? How am I ever going to be able to function at work? Why did my mom have to get sick? Where is my hope? How should I handle these situations? Does it even matter?
I feel alone and tired and done with this world. Life is for the birds.…
I have become an old lady that likes birds. I spend way more money than I should on bird seed. I have two bird feeders in front of our bay window and apparently “my birds” must like the bird seed I buy them because the bird feeder is full in the morning and empty by the end of the day (and by the way, they are little birds, there is no way their bodies can hold that much seed…are they storing it up or spending their morning crapping on neighborhood cars?? Today I would say the latter.) I also discovered a robin’s nest in our mock orange bush by our dining room window. When I first looked in the nest it was filled with those brilliant blue eggs. The next time I peeked (trying to be respectful of the momma’s heart and cries), it was full of a heartbeat of fluff. Each little barely feathered nestling was snuggled together with its siblings and breathing and beating in unison.
We have had some significant storms since the building of this robin’s nest. I was worried about those little fluff nuggets, after all, they are only covered by some leaves and branches. Nestlings typically leave the nest when they are 13 to16 days old, but it takes them another 10 to 15 days to become strong fliers and independent.
It is a miracle that they survive.
It is also a miracle that we do.
“you shall no more be termed Forsaken…you shall be called Sought Out” (Isaiah 62)
“in His love, He redeemed them and lifted them up and carried them all” (Isaiah 63)
“Look at the birds of the air, they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.” (Matthew 6)
This is how God came to me this morning.
“Kimberly, I have sought you out - so much so that I am changing your name to be called Sought Out. In My love for you (not your love for Me), I have redeemed you. I will pick you up child and carry you all your days. Look at those little nestlings, they don’t do anything, but I feed them, I shelter them, I take care of them. I will relentlessly pursue your dirty face and maggot-lice filled hair, your leprous wounds and your deep sorrow. I got you. I will never leave you.”
Man, what will it take for you to show mercy?
Men and Marriage, Part 2
Wes Johnson, LPC, LMHC
“I have always found that mercy bears richer fruit than strict justice.” - Abraham Lincoln
A few weeks ago I started a blog series called Men and Marriage, where I’m focusing on practical ways men can have a positive impact on their marriage. Part 1 focused on the importance of service and sacrifice and how, like the skin horse in the Velveteen Rabbit, being made real requires painful and unnatural sacrifice. Today, I’m going to focus on the power men wield when they are merciful to their wife and children. Micah 7:18-19 provides us with a model for the husband aspiring to be merciful, Part 2 of this series on marriage.
If you’re struggling in your marriage, it might be worthwhile to consider how freely you are merciful to your wife. And, if not given freely, what do you require of your her before you release her from your anger?
By default, I see my wife as a train-wreck. She’s always late, and when she does finally meet me at the door, she’s disheveled, balancing a drippy Stanley cup on a notebook, while looking for her keys as she’s talking on her phone. There is a trail through our house where she leaves items, either intentionally or they simply fall off of her and she moves. She always looks like she’s holding everything, but cannot find what she needs immediately. The kitchen counter is littered with trinkets she purchased at a thrift store and at least three books she hopes to read, “when I have time.” She is genuinely surprised every morning when the alarm goes off and she is slow to get up with a handful of “snooze button” resets. When she does come down the stairs well, she’s late again, her hair’s a mess and yes, again, we search for keys, shoes, her phone charger and her purse. And oh, that purse! It’s actually a small duffel bag filled with Target receipts from 2011 and an outdated address book “for emergencies”, even though all our contacts are stored on our phones. There are at least 40 pens in her purse, along with hair ties, empty prescription bottles, Band-Aids, eye drops, allergy pills, and probably a full size Bible, but never, ever her keys. She recently bought an atlas for a road trip. Yes, a huge paper book of maps with a spiral binder that she keeps next to her seat in the car. Waze or Google Maps just isn’t enough for her. All of this is comical, but it gets real serious when I am angry after she’s failed me in some way. Your wife might not be disorganized, but I can promise you that she has a few shortcomings that stoke the fire of your anger too.
When I see signs of her inefficiency or disorganization, I often rage in silence, wishing for a harsh natural consequence, to finally MAKE her change. If only she’d get soaked by a rainstorm because her keys are locked in the car, then maybe, for once, she’d know where her coat is. That would teach her! In the darkest part of my prideful heart, what I truly mean is, “If only you were like me, the epitome of efficiency and organization, then we’d both be perfect and happy.” Right there, that is a pure, Grade A quality form of evil. Pride. Left unchecked by the grace of the gospel, that is always the inclination of my heart. The antidote to this natural state of sin is knowing the type of mercy that God freely gives to us.
“Who is a God like you, pardoning inquiry and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our inequities underfoot. You will cast out all our sins into the depths of the sea.” -Micah 1:18-19 (ESV)
If you were even a sloppy representation of God’s love to your wife (which you are, like me), how might this change your reaction to her failures, shortcomings, and messiness?
You would see her sin but you would immediately pardon her and then release her from the consequence of it (your anger), even if she does not see it herself. Your quiet mercy should not boast. You would work to extinguish those consequences on her behalf, taking them on yourself. Find her keys the night before and leave them by that purse. Fill her car with gas before she wakes up. Fold her laundry and organize her closet. That’s a great start and something tangible you can do tomorrow. Even more, you would not withhold the riches, wealth and inheritance of your love. You would not require anything from her in order to earn your mercy. Instead, your mercy would be a quick response to her sin, believing that you are just as guilty in your own sin. Son, you are the Chief of Sinners like I am. And that means you have no standing to condemn her. Instead, lavish her with mercy: Delight in it! Before she even notices her sin, excuse her silently. When she’s burdened by it, show great delight in taking it off her shoulders. Release her, help her, and serve her like we discussed in the last post. Do you believe that your merciful love is a treasure more valuable than gold that provides security and comfort for generations? It is, if you release it. Your merciful love is a treasure chest for her that is always full and one that provides a generational legacy that will claim your sons and daughters. Your sons will see it modeled and their future wives will cherish it. Your daughters will expect nothing less than a man who lavishes them with free and unlimited mercy. A radical mercy that they first saw in you, as you quietly offered it with much delight to their mother.
Rather than maintaining negative beliefs about her (“She never cleans up after herself…she always waits for me to get up for the baby first…she has time for friends and family but never for me…she couldn’t care less about the budget we agreed to…”), challenge those automatic thoughts and shut them down. Notice how if your thoughts about her start include extreme words like Always, Never, Won’t, you probably have some unmerciful core beliefs about her that are framing your perception. That’s not good. Those beliefs will only lead to resentment and a hardening of your heart. When you find yourself frustrated and reactive, slow down and examine your beliefs. Remember that your mercy and forgiveness will release her from the prison of your resentment. Sure, you may be justified in maintaining the belief because she hasn’t repented or changed. But, that is not how God shows His love for us. He DELIGHTS in mercy and does not withhold it. The miracle of marriage is that when we do this for each other, we are both freed from the relational consequences of our sins and we only grow closer as the years roll on. Guys, you have the power to kick this off today.
See your own sin as even WORSE that your wife’s sin. If she has the grace and mercy to forgive you, give her a thousand times more mercy than she deserves. If she’s not quite ready to forgive you and be merciful then humbly lead by example. She may not respond right away, but there will be a transformation of her heart underway as you demonstrate God’s love for her, as a shabby husband that does not often get it right, but one that holds no grudge and forgives in a heartbeat.
My tendency is to crush my wife’s neck under the boot of my self-righteousness. I step on her and suffocate her with my distance, my anger, and my withheld love until she cannot breathe. Finally, with a desperate whimper, she might confess, repent, and beg me to release her. In other words, my application of spiritual force against her may shove her into submission, but I’ve only made her more afraid of me. And the only way it ends is when I deem she has suffered enough, in my eyes. Me, I am the boss and in my pride I will not release her until I determine it is time. Tyrant. Bully. Oppressor. Chief of Sinners. You are just like me.
But God…God DELIGHTS to be merciful. Lord, that be true of me. Through His love for us, we can joyfully be a reflection of his deep love for her. Show it to her.
Men, delight in mercy. Lavish your wife and children in the richness of it.
Man, what exactly do you feel entitled to?
Men and Marriage, Part 1
by Wes Johnson, LPC, LMHC
I’m coming up on 30 years of marriage, along with 30 years of counseling men, women and couples. I’ve learned a few things professionally along the way, but those lessons pale in comparison to what I’ve learned personally. Marriage is not easy, but it can sanctify you and give you a gift that cannot be easily described or understood. Stick with me for a few minutes and I’ll explain.
Kimberly and I got married in 1994 after knowing each other for about a year. I knew immediately when I met her that I wanted her to be a part of my life forever. She was (and still is) loud, spontaneous, expressive, she cries easily, she dances like no one is watching, and she laughs explosively. She challenged me to be honest, direct and real. When I proposed, I read her the Velveteen Rabbit and emphasized the following part:
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
-Williams, Margery. 2004. The Velveteen Rabbit. London, England: Egmont Books
Brothers, men, what is making you real? Are you comfy, insulated and a king? Or does it hurt, require sacrifice, wear you out? If you are like me, there are issues in your family that need daily attention, otherwise chaos takes over. Who, if not you, is going to go hardcore and preserve your family, protect your kids, and cherish your wife more than any other man ever? If your hands are wrinkled by dish water at night, you’re on your way to being real. If you get up for the tenth time with your baby, even though it is your wife’s turn, you’re getting it right. If there is a gap in provision and you fill it by working extra hours, getting groceries after work, driving your kid to piano lessons, or spending Saturday kneeling on the kitchen floor while scrubbing, you are almost there. This is not just about service, chores, or finances. It is about the condition of your heart and if you are allowing God to shape you into the earthly representation of Jesus, stewarding those he’s provided as your family (they have your last name, man!) like they are a treasure. In my flesh, the last thing I want to do is clean the bathroom or do laundry on weekends: I friggin hate it. But, when I identify with Jesus and allow Him to revive my selfish heart, I begin to see sacrifice as the greatest form of love and in His strength, I’m willing to make any sacrifice. Sure, you’d die for your wife and kids on scary night in a dangerous city when threatened. That’s noble, honorable. But, how willing are you to do the mundane sacrifices that don’t bring you any honor? That’s where it matters most. While easy to reject, that is what most of us are called to.
What do you feel you are entitled to? What you treasure, is where your heart is, right? I want everything I desire, right now. After working all day, I really deserve to take the night off at home. As a man, ”I deserve your love and attention on demand, like a streamed movie: I press play, and you should be turned on. If I have an urge, porn requires nothing of me and offers instant release, so never mind, I really don’t need you. Listen to me, show me affection and then let the dog out. I’ve worked hard today. I earned money, and I should be able to spend it how I want. Don’t ask anything of me after 6pm, because I’m tired, babe. I should not have to drive a junker car when all the guys on my street have really cool F-150’s. Don’t complain again that you’re overwhelmed with the kids. You don’t know what I dealt with today. I’m going to grab a beer and watch whatever sport is on right now. I’ll let that laundry pile tower up like a mountain and someday, you’ll run out of clothes and you’ll finally get it together and take care of all the duties that I should not have to. When the dishes get smelly in the sink or the kids cry loud enough, then you’ll finally get up and do something for once. I just can’t give anything else to you.”
Most men would read that paragraph and recoil: “No, that’s not me.” Man, if Jesus is not your model as a husband and father, IT IS YOU. Pray that God will reveal the absolute depravity of the inclinations of your heart. Deep down, the paragraph above rings true for you, just as it does for me. We’re going to get real here: You are dead in your sins, just like me. You don’t have any hope without Him, just like me.
Philippians 2 might give you some encouragement:
“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”
Men, you are not the main character in your story. Your wife, your kids, and all of those that you serve are. Even more, your embodiment of Jesus will be eternally life changing. Serve them the way that Jesus would and you will experience blessings and riches beyond anything you can imagine. It may not be gold and wealth, but you will experience a depth of relationship and intimacy that only comes from your sacrifice. You would certainly die for them if threatened by some murderous thug on a big city street. But would you die to your own impulses, your own desires and your selfishness in the chaos of your home? Well, that requires something more than death. It requires a living sacrifice.
What are you entitled to? TBH, nothing other than death, suffering, and the wages of your terrible and ugly sins. But, this is the power of Christ: though Him you inherit wealth far greater than gold or silver. Go home today and serve until your hands are bloody, your back is broken and you are exhausted like never before. Carry laundry up the stairs until your knees ache. Cherish the moments with your babies as precious gold. Go to Hyvee a thousand times to provide a meal, pick up a prescription, and deliver toilet paper. Lavish them with unending service, grace, mercy and love. Don’t expect any accolades; do it quietly and in humility. Surprise your wife and kids with sacrifice that takes their breath away and in His strength, service that never ends. Be the man, that when he dies, his family says, “He never stopped giving to and loving us. He was the closest thing to Jesus on earth.” Well done, good and faithful servant: You’re not taking that F-150 with you.
After 30 years of marriage and raising four kids, this is what I’ve learned: In my own strength, I’m only entitled to the wages of sin: death. Through Jesus’ example of sacrifice and humility, I’m made real, like the Velveteen Rabbit. It will hurt, you’ll be exhausted, it’ll take a long time, your hair will be loved off, your joints will be loose, and you’ll be shabby.
But man, you will be loved and you will love ferociously on this earth and your reward will be immeasurable in heaven.
Jesus or ice cream…
Insights and reflections from our counseling staff.
by Kimberly Johnson, LPC, LMHC
Forty-nine years ago, I surrendered my life to Jesus.
It was 1975 and I was seven years old. Vacation Bible School was a big deal during the summer months. I looked forward to getting out from under my “mean” babysitter on the corner who served us grape Kool-Aid with lunch. I couldn’t wait to be with my friends from church and be free to play and make crafts.
The day was Friday, the last day of VBS and the day the best snack was served after chapel. This particular year it was ice cream.
Let me set the stage for you in 1975. I didn’t grow up in the world in which my children have grown up. My family would have been considered poor-ish. We rarely went out to eat, not even fast food. My mom cooked most of our meals which consisted of meat, a potato, and a vegetable. I brought Lebanon bologna sandwiches to school. We never had cans of coke (what some of you may refer to as pop or soda) in our house. Candy was scarce except on Halloween. Occasionally my mom would give me a dime to get a Screwball from the Ice-Cream Truck (A Screwball is a sherbert in a clear cone shaped plastic cup with a piece of bubblegum at the bottom – yum!). Sooo, getting free ice cream after chapel was a big deal to me!
Well, here I am in the church pew during chapel. I am imagining the delicious, creamy sweetness that I am about to taste. I am thinking how I can exit chapel in a way that will put me toward the front of the line. I am wondering what kinds of ice cream they are serving…sundaes, tubs of flavors with wooden stick spoons, or maybe even Screwballs!!
Suddenly, I hear these words like a bell ringing in my ears, “If any of you would like to learn more about following Jesus, just stay in your seats and someone will come talk to you.” WHAT?!
Something is stirring inside me. I think that this would be a good thing to do. My stomach and my mouth are asking my head if I am CRAZY! I am conflicted. I want to learn more about following Jesus. I want to get in line for ice cream. My taste buds are screaming: “What if they run out of ice cream? You need to get in line, even as close to the front as possible! What if you get stuck with plain old vanilla?!”
It was at that moment that the battle over Who was going to rule my heart began.
I stayed.
Someone did come and talk to me about sin, confession, repentance, and following Jesus. The only One who could save me from myself. The God Who came, and lived, and died, and rose again, and taught and loved so that I could have a different life and a different Home. At that moment, in my very young heart, I surrendered my life to a Love that has never failed me.
Recently we sang about this in church:
“All to Jesus I surrender; All to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.”
Forty-nine years ago, and I still wrestle with surrender.
I want to want to surrender all. But the reality is that I don’t.
This past week I out-right lied to someone for 25 buckaroos. I still can’t believe that I did this. If anyone were to ask me, “Kimberly would you give up your value on telling the truth for $25?” I would have laughed in their face. “No way!” But I did it. It rolled off my tongue as easy as a hot knife cutting through soft butter.
It doesn’t matter that I can justify why it was not a big deal. It doesn’t matter that the lie doesn’t hurt anyone else. To me, it revealed what I can do without Christ overseeing my heart.
I am immensely grateful that Jesus is a Savior that only asks one thing of me ~ “Come.” The gospel is the most inclusive, non-oppressive, shame-free good news.
Come ~ with your murderous thoughts and your jealous heart.
Come~ with your unloving spirit and lack of kindness toward your neighbors.
Come~ with your anxieties and lies.
Come ~ with your addictions and impulses.
“Come to Me,” God says. “I will untie the yoke that is strapped on your back.”
A mule cannot take off his own yoke. Neither can we. But there is Someone who can and deeply desires to do so.
All you need to do is come…or in my case, stay.
Who is going to rule your heart? Jesus or Ice cream?